What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 15:45
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We all went to grammer schools
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Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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It was going to be , some day.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
If a narcissist can't feel remorse, can they ever feel regret for an evil act after going to rehab?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But ive been too sick for many years..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
How can I stop overthinking and take action more quickly?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I will be 64.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I write beautiful poetry .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She loved him until the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My life is so biszare .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Put me off passion for life!!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When she asked me how she looked .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My family never makes their pension either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot live in the past .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We were not on the streets..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i lived it daily.
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
I waited trembling.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was seconnd youngest,
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
What did i know ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is soul school!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years